2016 rewind

10 days into 2017, and here I go…

Going into 2016, I should have felt like the happiest person on earth. We were celebrating one year of love. I meant real love, or so I thought, with all shades of emotions. I was the financial controller assistant of a world’s top ten engineering company, on the verge of being promoted to controller in charge of projects in 3 countries. I had a part time job as a travel writer. I had tickets booked for Australia in April and the Maldives in September. And marriage plans at the end of the year.

Funny how despite all those, I cried myself to sleep on New Year’s Eve, awakened by his 20-second half-hearted call at midnight, only to cry myself to sleep again, unable to pinpoint the reasons for all these inexplicable tears.

2016 gradually unfolded to be the worst 12 months of my life, way worse than the school year of 2011 – 2012. And the scariest part about it? It wasn’t the worst 12 months EVER. It was the worst 12 months of my life SO FAR. Who knows in the decades to come what tragedies will fate pour onto me?

I lost everything within the first half of 2016, some by choice, some not, some easy to accept, some I still beat myself up about now. Funny how having lost everything, I didn’t cry that much. I didn’t feel sad. I wish I could still feel sad. Empty, faithless, doubtful, and lonely, all I could do was bury myself in my blanket, surrounded by all the failures and troubles, pondering upon the gloomy future ahead, feeling stuck and purposeless, unsure what path I should choose.

Life couldn’t be a one-way downward road. Time heals. Time gives me a chance to look back and learn.

I learned to not trust anyone.

I learned to have friends, but not to rely on them forever.

I learned to put on a smile and a laugh when needed.

I learned to believe everything happens for a reason, and that reason is to test us, to give a chance for the stronger to be stronger, the good to be better, and to reward the worthy.

I learned that death is the only limit, that the human capability could withstand unbearable hardship and hard times will only get more and more nightmarish, but as long as we still wake up in the morning breathing, we just simply fight another day.

So remember, remember, there was a time, a time called 2016, that you didn’t even have the tears to cry, but you survived.

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