Never grow up

It’s been almost a year since I last listened to the soft whispering melody of that song. A year, I thought I had changed, enough that those words wouldn’t mean anything anymore. But again I found myself sobbing when the song was just into its third minute. Nothing has changed. That same old fear and sense of regret still stayed there, like a haunting memory.

That night almost 3 years ago, when I was first introduced to this song, I cried unstoppably with a desperate wish to return to a kid, to be wrapped in my mother’s arms again. ‘With you everything’s simple, you got nothing to regret’ Facing the fearful, brutal adult life ahead, I was scared. I didn’t know how to grow up. What was it like to be out there, in the whole wide world, with nothing and no one to protect me? But more than that, above all, I was scared of going back to the mental hell I tried so hard to run away from and to avoid. I was still a kid, I was 21, why was I made responsible for the mistakes my parents made? Why was I suddenly in charge of making everything right again for both of them? I was their hope, their dreams, their future and that moment when the murmuring of Taylor Swift sank in, I realized the weight, the burden of being the only child finally forced out of the bubble.

About 1 year ago, I sworn to myself I would never listened to that song again. The bitterness made me reject, to the point of fear, all childish notions. Facing lies and deceit, at the borderline of cynical and naive, I chose to abandon my innocence in hope of never getting hurt again. I thought that was the right decision, a natural one. In the course of growing up, you simply can’t bring to this world that sinless, all-good attitude and hope to receive the same. Thus suddenly, I stopped crying. ‘Remember what it sounded like when you dad got home’ couldn’t make me weep anymore. The adult life, after all, isn’t that scary as I thought. I tasted disappointment, I tasted heart breaks, I tasted disillusions. Whatever else life could throw at me, I am ready.

Until that night when you wrapped me in your arms and I let you in another corner of my soul, a corner that for years I tried to hide it. ‘Take picture in your mind of your childhood room’ And again I cried as I missed those care-free, simple days like crazy. That same feeling of fear I felt 3 years ago again emerged within, leaving me soaked with tears. I am still a kid. I love you, I love you enough that the thought of taking care of you makes me happy, but I’m scared. I’m scared I’m not able to. I’m scared I will disappoint you, the same way my mother did to my father. I’m scared we will change and your arms won’t be around my neck like this anumymore. I’m scared, and naturally I wish everything was simple and happy and sincere like when we were kids.

I wish you understand. I am simple as that…

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