It’s 2 am, and I’m crying, again…

I miss you. Where are you?

When you first kissed me, your lingering smile made me happier than your soft lips and wanting tongue. I guess my whole life I won’t forget the proud and excited and absolutely happy expression on your face that moment. Your silent loving look after that, your whisper ‘Today is Jan 31, right? Jan 31 is the date that I first kissed you’ moved me so deeply I thought I could cry. Never in my life had I met a boy who wanted to remember, even memorize, the ‘firsts’ as you did. You even said you wanted to have a party to celebrate we became a couple. You said you wanted to meet my mom. You pitied a boy walking by, because he was alone while you had me. I swear to God that was the best first date I ever had with anyone. Your sincere happiness made me feel confident, even made me believe I, after all, was not empty inside.

When you showed up at my office, I was surprised too. A glad surprise, to be honest. You just stood there, at my desk, asking when I was leaving, when my flight was, when I was coming back. I could feel your care. There was no bold flirtation, no mean comments like when we were friends, just sincere questions spoken in your low softer-than-usual voice. My colleagues looked at us, and I knew they understood what was really going on, because I never talked to any boy like that. Someone even made a comment why you cared so much about me, but you were still there, smiling at me warmly as if you wanted the whole world to know you cared about me, because I was special to you.

And that night, our first karaoke night. When you hugged me and jubilently yelled ‘yay, first duet’ I thought I found the man of my life. That childish, genuine happiness of yours convinced me that you treasured every minute, every moment, every memory with me, that you loved me. That, the short, seemingly insignificant detail, was what earned my faith, not your numerous I-love-you nor I-miss-you. That, because that was real, spontaneous, and thus couldn’t possibly be staged.

And when we first spent the night together, you kissed every inch of my skin, you talked about our future children, you wrapped me in your arms amorously whispering ‘I love you’. When we got back to our homes, you texted me, saying you loved me so much.

But where are you now ?

Where is that sincere, happy smile like a smile of a kid eating ice cream for the first time? God damn it, I miss that smile like crazy. Come back to me, please, I am sick, almost scared of that half-ass smile, as if tomorrow if everything ends, it wouldn’t matter at all.

Where are you? You never show up at my office anymore. You never ask me to meet you at the coffee machine anymore. You never show any intention to publicize our relationship anymore. In fact you told me you didn’t want others to know about us. And I was scared to ask why. But why am I scared to ask? But why did you change your mind? Why… ? Why…?

Why do you sleep eveytime we lie next to each other and only stay awake when you want to shove your dick into my vagina or my mouth now? Please, please, wake up, look at me with that warm, loving expression in your eyes, stroke my hair, kiss my shoulder, ask me what I want to name our child. I don’t know, do whatever it takes to make me feel like we’re going somewhere, not just getting lost in the meaningless sex that you can easily find anywhere with any woman.

Where is that text saying you love me when you get home? Or even a text saying you get home? It’s almost 2 am and I’m still awake, crying, waiting for my phone to vibrate. Do you fucking know that, you stupid, heartless jerk?

Did I miss my chance when you still loved me like in a surreal novel? Did I let your hot romance slip by without showing any appreciation for us, and now I have to pay my price? If I do, God, please please please please tell me how to fix it, how to bring him back. I don’t know what else to do. I really don’t. I already gave him everything I could offer. I changed myself for him. I already reached my limit. I couldn’t love or care for anyone more than that.

But it’s 2 am now, and I am still awake and crying, again…

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