Conversations with Scott Fitzgerald

“Whenever you feel like criticizing any one just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had”

– I thought you would never come back here anymore.- Scott Fitzgerald said in a sultry voice as soon as he saw me step past the bar door.
– I had an eye surgery, – I smiled. – Give me a break.
– Doesn’t mean you can’t dream.
– I’m just…
– You’re getting better, I know. – The young man winked. – You’ve kind of gotten over your breakup. You don’t feel the need to write that often to let your feelings out anymore. Which is good, absolutely.

I didn’t reply to that comment. If there’s anything I’ve learned over the past few months, it’s that the less you talk, the safer you will be, even in your own dreams. The whole time my ex just sat there, quietly watching my every sentence, action and reaction with the eyes of a 31-year-old. And he judged, discreetly in his mind, everything. He watched me walk and eat a cookie at the same time and shook his head. He listened to me jokingly introduced myself to his friends as his 13-year-old nephew and gave me a strange look. He knew he had to tell me by 5 pm if he wanted to take me out for dinner and since then he mockingly called me princess. God knew what was going on in his head?

– I’m sorry. – The young man said in a really remorseful manner, realizing what he had done. – I didn’t mean to mention your breakup. I mean… I’m just saying what you want me to say anyway. This is your dream, you know.
– It happens. – I sighed and took a large sip from the glass of gin and tonic that just magically appeared on the table. – My ex scolded me for eating and walking at the same time today. Who the hell does he think he is? He talked about his ex on our first date. He chews so loudly. And he fucking dumped me without saying a word. That’s the most cowardly, assholey thing any man can do.

Scott burst out laughing.

– See what you just did there? You just judged him. He didn’t call you for 2 days and you immediately concluded that he’d dumped you, thinking he had someone else. And from that, you thought he had been cheating on you the whole time and that he was a scumbag. You didn’t know the whole story. You didn’t know any of the story. Conclusion from knowing one side of the story is bad enough. Conclusion from sheer subjective deductions and accusations is the worst. 3 years abroad made you nonjudgmental. Where is that person? Yes, there’s a difference between friends and boyfriends. You can befriend anyone, but you can’t date whoever. Even then, it isn’t fair to judge others. You don’t want others to look at your financially secure life and think you’re happy beyond measure, then why would you judge someone by one thing, even some things, that they do? You can’t prove your shrewdness or experience that way. You can’t prove anything that way. You just miss out on life, and forever stay the unapproachable, bitchy, close-minded individual that you hate.
– Is it what I subconsciously think? Why am I blaming myself in my dream?
– You’re going through another phase of getting better. You stopped blaming him for everything that went wrong. You’re finding what you did wrong too.
– How long is it going to take? It’s brutal. I don’t know if I can do this much longer.
– There’s only one way to find out. Wake up and face the truth, girl.

I stared at the young man.As he gradually faded away, I could hear his whisper “I’m gonna miss you when you no longer need me.”

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s